As my home gets closer to being ready to put on the rental market something is happening deep inside of me. I didn't realize (though I think I had a sense) how much my identity is housed within my walls. My home has been a very, very special healing place. As I slowly made it mine by adding the colors and the gardens and the pieces that called out to me, I became one with it. I realize that I will have it to return to some day. But for now it feels like cutting the cord is just around the corner and I am not sure I'm too happy about that. I feel like I am untying my ship from the dock and, until I am safely in port at the next stop, I will be drifting quite a bit.
In addition, there have been many pockets of memories I come across as I box up or toss and some of those have been heart wrenching. Yesterday it was the manila envelope with all the words of condolences from when Mom died. That was December 1992. Has it really been 18 years? I had to sit down and read and sob. Sobbing in a room where all the pictures have come down and all extraneous things cleared out echoes a lot. It sounded like I had a whole gaggle of sobbers in there with me. Satchmo looked at me and rolled his eyes, I swear. That made me laugh a little between sobs.
The day before it was the divorce papers and settlement. Has it really been five years? I tried not to look too closely at those papers. They gave me a stomach ache. And I found a stack of printed out poems that I had written from the dark time. I read through some of those. Then sent them to the shredder pile. They might be a little too good. I don't want people to worry.
As I pack up the things that I have accumulated that helped make my place more mine it feels like I am boxing up parts of me. I didn't realize how much my material possessions mean to me. I think I am supposed to feel bad about that. That I should stand firmly on something like "as long as I have my health and my family and friends and the love of God I don't need anything else." And I guess when it comes right down to it I don't NEED my things. But I like my things. And I will miss them. And if that makes me shallow and worldly then that's what I guess I am.
1 day ago