This was the question from a dear friend as I tried to communicate all the emotions running through me as I contemplate my upcoming move to Abu Dhabi. The two mint mojitos were helping me sort out those feelings and here is what I came up with:
I am afraid that in this new place in a new culture that I don't know or understand, I will have to be so careful with how I behave that I will dumb down, supress myself to the point that I will lose myself. Dumbing down, supressing my true self was something that I defaulted to over time in my marriage and when I woke up after several years I found I was no longer my true self. That was the hardest time in my life. Let's just say that I barely survived it. It took a lot of work to get myself back. I'm feeling strong and grounded in my life here. And scared I will loose that ground going into this unfamiliar territory. Not just having to start all over again professionally and personally. But with the added complication doing it in a foreign culture where it is easy to offend and hard to impress. Scary stuff.
So that is the biggest fear thing that's simmering in my brain. Along with all the other stuff. Still can't believe it. Back to the boxes. And the wine. and the pudding. God bless Cozy Shack. Wish me luck.
-J
3 days ago
2 comments:
I am most scared of moving the entire family across the country...leaving friends, and schools, and the church, and the community, and everything that has FINALLY become familiar and comfortable...only to find that STILL...I am unhappy.
I have talked about this move back east for so long...as if it were a magic potion. As if being back "home" I would suddenly feel like ME again...and my marriage would start to feel like a marriage again...and I would be CONTENT and HAPPY and at long last...feel like I was HOME. And that I made the right choices, and that where I am IS where I indeed, should be. And who I am with, too, is who I should be with.
Because if I move all that way, and make all these changes, and I am still not content...and still let down...and still frustrated, and lost and still left feeling like there has GOT BE MORE..and I deserve so much more..well...then what?
Your move is bigger, though. Can't deny that.
And while I don't know the full story behind your marriage, and the end of it, and the losing of yourself...I do know this...
you are strong
you are witty
you are caring
you are insightful
you are talented
you have friends
you love to drink, and I do too
you are reliable
you are self aware
you are willing to take risks
you don't want to make the same mistakes
you are up for a challenge
you are brave
and you like pudding
I am excited for you. I do not believe you will be anything less than great.
I love that you are enjoying pudding, and friends, and this new challenge that you gave yourself (with some help from above, of course). What I know is that 'fear' is a good thing, and you will face it and thrive. I admire your courage, Sis. I also know that you know that my love goes with you always, and the love and support of MANY!! Keep the faith and keep writing!
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