Friday, May 14, 2010

Here I Go....Again

By the time I post this I will have shared the news in person to my tribe. Telling people is making it real. And honestly I am thinking, between the bookends of "this will be a real adventure"...i am thinking "What the hell am I doing?"

I am moving. Leaving THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE for something else. Going about as far as I can go from here. To Abu Dhabi. (zoom out from this map and you will find that it is just northeast of Saudi Arabia and south of Iran and Afghanistan..separated by water). I remind myself, I will come back to this beautiful life eventually. But for now my life is taking a different route. Why? because I can. Because I am needed there. Because it will get me in better shape for retirement sooner. Because I am stalled in certain things here. Because I am not afraid (mostly). Because I know I am protected by a God who loves me. Because this is a really, really big world and I am so small.

This opportunity came out of the blue. Sort of. We opened an office there a year ago. I thought I might get on a few projects and have an opportunity to go there for a few one to three week stints. Which I was OK with. Because one can do anything for a few weeks right? But we need some senior staff there. And I am probably the most mobile of all of us. I hated seeing my co-workers with young families burning themselves out with the travel and living in two worlds. But I have a good life here and feel safe and have my tribe. My awesome tribe that I can call to do anything anytime and know I will laugh and be known. But I am needed there. And my tribe will be here, or there for me if only electronically. A few may even be able to come visit me in my new surroundings. or meet me half way, say in Greece or France or Turkey. That's what I'll have to live for. When its ahundredandfreekintwentydegrees outside my flat. I'll be dealing with Muslim men over the conference room table trying like hell to earn their respect for things that I am respected for here no questions.

These last few mornings, after very sleepless nights, I look out my window at the lake, with the sun glowing a soft pinkyorange framed by the trees and I am soaking it in whistfully, saying to myself "remember this." There I will be awakened by the call to prayer but I will go to my Father instead of the mosque and know I am not alone.

I will be helping to hire and build an office family and carry my company's culture through in this new culture and be challenged and frustrated and responsible and everything but stuck, which is what I have been feeling here. I will kick myself for even having those thoughts of "how can I possibly keep doing this same thing for fifteen more years" because somehow God heard those thoughts and decided to mix it up for me.

I am a puzzle of excitement, fear, overwhelmed with what needs to be done before I go, scared, excited, dizzy. I've been looking in the mirror trying to see what a whole new country of strangers will see and I don't know what it is that is staring back at me. But I do feel I will be safe. I know it in my bones which makes it possible. It's kind of like how I feel about dying: I am open to that next step but worried about what I leave behind. I will be so far from my son. My dog, who will be with such a wonderful family, won't be by my side. My home, which is more than a home, more of my healing place, will be somebody else's healing place for a while. My friends, my tribe. I won't be right with them for sharing laughter and tears. How does one cry and hug on Skype?

I am also on my third glass of wine and a mess. Just thought you should know. As if you couldn't tell. Tomorow (which will be today and in the past by the time I post this) I will meet my sweet friend (who I worry about leaving behind) and tell her the news. We'll get coffee and go to the farmer's market. and talk more about our rendezvous in Italy next year. I'll just be coming from a different place than I thought I was coming from. Then I will go to the funeral service of an incredible man who has suffered relentlessly for three years. He's gone ahead of us and I am happy for him but so, so sad and worried for his wife who I love so much. I am thinking it will be hard to be away from her too. In the evening, this evening, my tribe will be here to help me figure out everything and make promises to each other on how we will support each other from afar.

Wow. Are you blown away? I am. I certainly am. Who is this brave girl? And what the heck is she doing?


Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you, and I am excited for this adventure and where it will take you - physically, emotionally and spiritually. Where He leads, I will follow . . .

Laura said...

we can do this...together..
although you ARE going a lot farther than I am
but still
we are both leaving what is comfortable
and entering the unknown

good for us