Dear A., your soul was on my heart all night. And so when I looked onto my latte this morning I was not surprised to see an angel. Floating there with her little crossed legs poking out from her gown. Your note last night brought back lots of memory. Memory of the panic, and feelings of confusion and being lost. Of realizing I had to be stronger than I wanted to be or even thought I could be because I was a mom and I had a child. In my home I had a child and so I had to guard my time of meltdown and scary thoughts . Thank God for a child that forces you to be stronger than you want to be.
And then the angels come in. Some of them are just as lost and scared as you are. They will be there when you surprise yourself with the return of laughter. The others you already know. Your family will worry about you. Let them (you can't stop them anyway). Don't waste your time worrying about what you could have done differently or how you can fix things. There's only so much energy and you can't waste it on things you don't have any control over. Spend it on yourself; your day; your relationships; your quiet time; your prayers. Your lattes at your special coffee shop that puts cool designs on the top. Look for the angels there. The pictures you take...(you Must take pictures...you are good...and the pictures help you see the beauty in this world).
In a few years (sorry, it will take time) you will KNOW that you are where you were meant to be all along. And life WILL be good. Because it will be the life that you made. Or actually, more like the life God made for you that you had to go through all this shit to find. You can have Cabernet soaked evenings and rise to a beautiful view and know that you are OK. That life is OK and you are glad you are still here.
Hugs, -J
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