Thursday, July 30, 2009


I don't do it well. I mean, not me myself suffering. I am real good at that. Brought it to a art form once. But to see others suffer. Especially someone who's heart is part of mine. That's the hardest thing in the world. I suffer the suffering. I want to TRADE PLACES TO TAKE AWAY HER PAIN. She deals with a lot of health shit anyway. Why this now? Why? Right now it's learning how to get her as comfortable as possible. How to juggle the drugs so that the wearing off is timed about the time when another option is available. How to assure her that she isn't being a pain in the butt for needing so much. It's OK. Options are limited. Very. Time is passing so slowly. And this is just the very beginning of this journey. I worry about how that time will pass. So slowly. Agonizingly slowly while life whirs by at the regular pace everywhere else. How does one swallow that? God, at least please give her peace in her dreams. Where she can fly out of this bed. Where she can drive anywhere she wants. Where she can see Rob play soccer. Take sarajane to look at schools. Go out with friends and laugh until it hurts a good laugh. Please take her out of that bed in her dreams. Can you please at least just give her that? (I'm a little mad at you right now God. Or at least, very confused. We need to talk.)

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