Monday, September 14, 2009

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

On Saturday Mark (my Wasbund) dropped off Andy along with three large boxes of the remanents of my life in the old house. Things I really had no idea I was missing. There were some ski things, several framed prints that had hung in our old house that were clearly more "my things" than "our things", a scrap book from our engagement and wedding planning (he must have kept the wedding album), a highschool yearbook of mine, my college diploma and transcripts and several other odds and ends of the same sort.

Andy went to bed and I opened the wine. And drank.

Drank in the things in this box.

And here are the lies I discovered that I have been telling myself (most go back to my single digit years). Lies I realized and now have been able to dispell (I think...for now...for this moment):
  • I was a homely, chubby ugly girl that couldn't believe that someone as gorgeous as Mark would actually be interested in enough to be seen with me in public, let alone marry me. (wrong....I see that now)
  • Our relationship was not good from day one (wrong...we went into the marriage, happy, full of hope, thinking we could take the world on together and come out on top)

  • I am a drag to be with (no sirreee...I can, and did hold my own in a crowd)

  • See above. Are those green M&M's and check out the talented tongue (see lie below)

  • I am a prude (umm no....just because I was a worn out mother and because I looked for other try to relate to my oversexed spouse does not a prude make me)

  • I got terrible grades and am so not an academic (read "I am not very smart"). Well my memories of college are just barely scraping by, living on the edge of flunking out. I couldn't believe when I saw my old transcripts that I never got less than a B- in any of my college classes and that I got through HS with something comfortably over a 3.00. I would be thrilled if Andy had just one college semester with no class grade less than a B-.

  • See first bullet. This is my sophmore HS picture. Andy says I look like Orphan Annie. Well wasn't she adorable? Yes, it's a bit dorky with the curls (major perms). But I was shocked to see that I wasn't appauling.

It seems so weird to see these things. Like I am looking through a box of things that belonged to someone else. Who was that girl in the box? How do I rewire myself to be that girl instead of the one in my head? It may take a few more bottles of wine...


Anonymous said...

Oh, Sis! Those are amazing pictures and insights. You are/were beautiful! In fact, even more beautiful with age. It pains me to know your self-doubt, however, I certainly have/had that too. I would love to have the enthusiasm and zest of youth, but I do feel more confident in who I am. I'll drink to that - with you!

U Can Still Play in the Rain said...

I touched on a similar topic in one of my blogs way back. It's called distorted thinking, I am guilty of it. Another thing I learned in my wise old years is this... Noone is ever as hard or as mean to you as you are to yourself! I have taken that trip back in time and realize that 90% of what I thought I was, was in fact not... LOVE LOVE LOVE this post and could so relate!

Lou Woods said...

We really are our own worst enemies. Everyone I know well enough is harder on themselves than anyone else. And some of the most beautiful people I know have the worst self image. So what is up with that? It does help to really dismantle it and figure out where those screwed up messages come from. But that's hard. Because it requires us to go head first into territory that we have so carefully tried to avoid.

In my friends, I honestly don't give a crap how they look: physical, body features, clothes, etc. I think they are all beautiful. That is why they are my friends. They are beautiful in the areas that I care about: the heart. And I know they feel the same way about me: again, that's why they are my friends.

Laura said...

This is my first visit here, and wow! I feel like I just walked into something so personal, and BEAUTIFUL.

I have been going through some "old boxes" of my own just recently. Trying to figure out who I was, how I got here, and where the hell am I going!?

Save some wine for me, would you???? We can drink it together in that red tent you spoke of!!!!! (you cracked me up!!! Thanks for the laugh)

Lou Woods said...

OMG. Welcome to the tent, Laura. Yes, yes let's drink. I feel like a Super Star just came through the flap!! You. Ever since I stumbled onto your blog where you had to deal with the turd that interrupted your latte at the bookstore I've been hooked. You are my all time favorite blog (you and NieNie are my must reads). I love your honesty, hope, quirkiness and, did I already list honesty? I'm always cheering you on through the ether but could not keep silent about the women cloths. That was something else! I'm just about a full generation ahead of you (my baby is in his third year of college) but your gift in writing takes me right back to those times. OK. I gotta stop. I feel like I could be your stalker...I'm such a big fan. Thanks for making my day! Just opened another bottle. Ready to tackle those boxes with you. Goes so much better with friends. And wine. Could you bring a cake as well?

Anonymous said...

I love your pics!!!
Andy really does resemble you so much!!
Love the orphan Annie picture...Adorable!!!!