Sometimes when I write I get stuck because I want to be profound. To put down words that sew up all the questions and shine light on the complexities of life. And of my soul. Which of course I can't do. Because I live the answers every day. They have to be experienced. Not told. Which makes life more interesting, but not always easy. Is it enough to feel at peace but know it's only fleeting?
Today is September 11th. I am watching the events of this day, eight years ago, as they unfolded on TV. Like the day I gave birth to my son, just over 21 years ago, I knew on that day that life had changed forever. And almost exactly six years ago to the day, another life changing day when I woke up from a very bad dream and suddenly knew I could no longer go on sleeping through a bad marriage. Life changing days. December 26, 1992. The call received that my mother was gone, and I knew that life would forever have a vacancy.
But most days are not profound. And I wish I could appreciate them with the same intensity and strength of memory as the other ones. I have to remind myself to experience things. To hear and smell and taste the things before me (and just to drive that point home Satchmo, who is resting on the couch beside me has startled himself with a fart, but that really wasn't what I had in mind in hearing or smelling). But maybe it is. It is this Friday evening that I have shared with my son who is home for the weekend: talk, laughter, delicious food, sharing a movie (Frost Nixon). These are days that aren't life changing, but life giving. Not profound. But found fondly. It's a weird experience to watch 9-11 unfold again, just as it did that morning. But seeing it from the safety of home, and distance of time. A lot of life has happened since that day. Not all good. Some pretty tough, awful stuff. And too, wonderful, unexpected beautiful stuff. But mostly, just normal, everyday, life. Not profound. Simple. I just need to breath it in more fully. To save it up and remember it for the times when the life changing stuff hits and we know that life will never be the same.