Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Am Forgiven!

This is what happened after my present peeking confession to my sister on a prior blog entry. On Saturday morning, after I posted, I was feeling a little nervous about my confession and wanted to call her to give her a heads up. Anxious to talk to her about my confession, just to make sure I hadn't stirred up things that shouldn't be stirred.

I have no idea why I was feeling this. My relationship with my sister is SOLID. Any jealousies I had as a child I've outgrown. While younger there was some inherent competitiveness, and definitely I displayed the bossy traits of an older sister. We played well together, but also fought regularly as siblings do. In fact I think learning to fight fair is one of the things having a sister or brother teaches you. When I think about it, the seeds were planted for a better relationship when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer during my adolescent (her pre-pubescent) years. We were forced to hold hands and wait, not daring to exhale. When the initial hurdle was passed I noticed the more volatile part of our relationship had cooled some. Soon I was off to college, but shortly after my folks decided to pick up stakes and move to Sudan. This created an opportunity for us to have an incredible "European Tour" with my mum, followed by several months of helping her settle into her new life in Sudan. We explored that country and the people together. When we returned to the states, leaving mum and dad in Sudan, we began to depend on each other more. She began the college phase of her life at University in Seattle while I continued on at UPS in Tacoma. Since mom was out of touch (there were no internet connections, no good overseas telephone connections at that time) I got to be her sounding board, her soft place to land as she tested out her new wings. What a wonderful gift. We've been very close ever since. Being there for each other through career explorations, heartbreak and yearning that come with boyfriends, the joy and scary territory bringing a child into the world and learning to be a parent. Now, learning to live without a mother, coping with aging bodies and health challenges, partners in crime in loving an aging father. I cannot imagine doing any of these things without my sister. I really don't think we've had a harsh word or misunderstanding in years and years.

She has my heart. So why would I be nervous about my confession of crime I committed against her, really, a minor crime in retrospect? I think that's part of the core of me: guilty until proven innocent. So, to continue...I called her to prime the pump for the confession that was posted. I caught her in the middle of an important errand with her son, so she was going to call later in the day when things settled down. As I finally laid my head down on Saturday, after a busy day myself, it occurred to me that I hadn't heard back. A little spark was lit in my brain that perhaps I had really messed things up with this confession. I had exposed myself as the fraud and selfish soul I am. It was too much for her and she was finally shown what a creep I truly am and was having trouble re-establishing her trust in and love for me. Oh, falling asleep is such work sometimes. Throughout Sunday, a little discomfort burned in my heart as I anxiously awaited to hear from my sister, to take my licks if need be, but at least a chance to patch things up I hoped. I even called her phone a few times but when she didn't answer I wasn't provided the relief I longed for. I even imagined she was at the other end seeing my incoming number and having to give herself space while she prepared herself to confront me. meanwhile I made myself busy with baking Christmas goods and working with Andy on some glasswork projects. Judy came over for tea which was a wonderful distraction. And Sunday evening I went to a delightful Christmas Dessert event with Jill at her church. But once again, as I laid down to sleep I was sure that I had really done it with Julie. This is the conversation I had with myself "Wow, I should have listened to my intuition and not posted that. It probably sounded so flippant, like I didn't care that I screwed her over. But I thought she would see the humor in it. I can't believe she would let something like that put a wedge in our relationship. I was just a kid, really. Such a bad kid, though. I'm such a rotten soul. I'm sorry I'm such a rotten sister. She's so good to me and I am such a shit. I am heartbroken. I need my sister. I can't stand not having her. I am so insensitive: to think that something like that wouldn't piss her off. But wasn't it funny? I have no compass. I don't know right from wrong. I don't deserve to have her in my life. I can't stand this. I am calling her fist thing and throwing my heart at her feet. I need her forgiveness. I need her. (then some mighty wailing thrown in for good measure)"

Monday morning. Freezing out there and lots of scraping and heating the car. I forgot to call her first thing and now she is at work and I am at work. But my heart is broken and I am having a hard time working. I have to apologize and beg her forgiveness. Now. So I send her an e-mail that I hope she will see during a break. I have to know she forgives me. Else I will have to change my life. Under the heading "Still Friends?" I write: "OK, now I'm worried. I didn't hear back from you and am wondering: was my confession on the blog over the top? I didn't mean for it to be flippant. I was just reminded of it when putting up the Christmas tree and for some reason was moved to confess to my evil ways. I am sorry: I really do feel badly about the actions of a selfish child. That was me. Or, (hoping) did you just get busy and side tracked and are not smarting from what I did? " I am really distracted from work. My heart is sick. A few hours later, I am shaking as I open the e-mail. This is what I get: "OMG! I am sorry that you even had to stress the tiniest bit about your hilarious confession. I did just get busy . . . I love your blog and your writing from the heart. Happy day! j" All is good. All is right with the world. I have not lost my sister. Now she knows what a shit I can be and she still loves me. Of course she had no clue what visions were dancing in my head. My indiscretions as a child hadn't even registered on her judgement scale. That's how forgiving she is and how silly I am to think they would.

There's a lesson in here somewhere.

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